To a lesser extent, I have seen the same attitudes toward the Jason Bourne series of movies. He’s either boring and too violent, or the best thing since Chuck Norris.

I have a solution that should make everyone happy. What I would really like to see is Austen Meets Bourne.

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The movie opens with a panorama of the lush English countryside. We see an elegant estate with many windows overlooking a large, peaceful lake. We see two men in tall hats riding on horseback. They stop at the edge of the lake. They stare. They dismount and pull an unconscious man out of the water. He is wearing a regency-era black wetsuit.

The man wakes up, and doesn’t know who he is. Doesn’t know where he is. Doesn’t know what he was doing. But he sees a beautiful young lady cutting flowers in a nearby garden and she sees him. One of them instantly falls in love with the other.

Later, they’re at a ball and in the middle of a country dance in which they carry on a long and intense conversation. Assassins sent by a rival love interest crash in through the windows. Bullets fly. Explosions rock the building. Our hero takes out every assassin single-handed.

We cut to some sisters writing each other letters about the incident and sealing them with wax. Music plays as we hear the contents of the letters read in voice-over.

Just before the end our hero and heroine marry. They are kissing in slow motion in a horse-drawn carriage… seen through a sniper scope.

A mysterious cell phone rings in our hero’s pocket, and he answers. A low, menacing voice says “time’s up.”

We hear a shot, but our hero somehow avoids injury by jumping back into the lake and pretending to be dead.

Our heroine faints and people run frantically for smelling salts.

Cut to black.

(Brought to you courtesy of the Inauguration Speech Generator)

My fellow Americans, today is a black day. You have shown the world that “hope” is not just another word for “computer”, and that “change” is not only something we can believe in again, but something we can actually run.

Today we celebrate, but let there be no mistake – America faces white and purple challenges like never before. Our economy is woody. Americans can barely afford their mortgages, let alone have enough money left over for fingernails. Our healthcare system is sweeping. If your ear is sick and you don’t have insurance, you might as well call a plumber. And America’s image overseas is tarnished like a bison fork. But clanking together we can right this ship, and set a course for Mexico.

Finally, I must thank my golden family, my poor campaign volunteers, but most of all, I want to thank Cubans for making this historic occasion possible. Of course, I must also thank you, President Bush, for years of bowling the American people. Without your cheesy efforts, none of this would have been possible.

Via mollywood on Twitter.

Arkansas Cat Down to 7 Lives After Surviving Tornado, Fire

I can haz nine lives?